High expectations in relationships

It is hard not to feel the gravitational pull to excel at life.  Articles and social media posts about extraordinary achievements constantly bombard us daily. Living an ordinary life can feel like we are falling short.

When we have high expectations of ourselves, we often hold our partners to similar standards. This can lead us to being critical of our partners, seeing them as less-than because they do not share our values. For example, one of my clients characterized her husband as unmotivated because he preferred to relax on Sundays, rather than tackle their to-do list. If this judgment continues, it can lead to a negative view of the relationship, and wondering whether we have chosen the right partner, (John Gottman calls this Negative Sentiment Override).

High expectations can also lead to difficulty tolerating differences of opinion, seeing our way as the only way. When we believe we hold a superior set of standards, we can see our partner as inferior for having a different viewpoint. The downside is that we end up enslaved to our high expectations, living in a lonely tower of judgment.